I have so much to tell you.

Therapy is expensive and time consuming. I don't have the patience for it--I never really did. Still, my life has been a barrage of difficulty in the last three years, and I have yet to process most of it. I'm not quite ready to get into that now, though. At the moment, I'm sitting here typing in the dark because sleep has decided to spread its charms elsewhere. For now, just know I'll be back sooner rather than later because writing it all out is far cheaper than therapy.

I will miss you, Unincorporated Pinellas County

(Something I wrote three months ago and forgot to post.)

As of this Mid-May, I will have spent 74 days of the last eight months at my mother's house in Florida. The house is in a very unfashionable part of St. Petersburg, technically unincorporated Pinellas County. It's not exactly Lealman, but I refer to it as Lealman Area as reference point in all of my online posts trying to give away or sell things in or attached to this house. This house is nowhere where anyone goes or wants to go.

I've been here enough to watch the empty lots across the street change from overgrown weed filled space where drug deals thrive to tidy little Habitat for Humanity homes. The neighbors know me. The meth tweakers across the street no longer glance at me when I walk to the corner market to buy lottery tickets and ice cream.

The last eight months found me getting very comfortable in a house I'm about to sell. This house and the stuff in it have a history, and I feel attached. Nobody ever told me about this aspect of wrapping up the affairs of a deceased parent.

I've been saying this since I started this blog

I've known about this for years, but it's helpful to see it verified in a meta-analysis. 

"Depression is not a chemical imbalance in the brain and scientists have no idea how antidepressants work, a review by University College London has concluded."

"The researchers say that patients should not be told depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, or informed that the SSRIs can correct the problem. Although it is clear the antidepressants can work, they must be doing so through a different route, the paper concludes."

 You can read the article here: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2022/07/20/depression-not-caused-chemical-imbalance/ 

Can you imagine big pharma coming out and saying in a TV ad, "Yeah, take this for depression. We have no idea what it's actually doing, but please let us take advantage of your misery to make money."

Is it metamorphosis?

My cat is dying.

My mother is dying.

My job is dying.

My nonprofit project is dying.

I feel caught in a tsunami of impending loss and I'm powerless to stop any of it.

The angst we thought was over

The 1970s and 1980s were a time when I worried incessantly about a nuclear war wiping out the world. It took well into the 1990s for that gut-gnawing anxiety to leave my body.

Now, a mean little madman half a world away is perfectly willing to push the button because he wants to rule the world. Like a spurned lover who orchestrates a murder suicide rather than let his partner move on, the narcisisitic kleptocrat in charge in Moscow could take us all down with him if we won't let him get his own way.

This anxiety is physically painful. If we all go out, I hope it's quick.

What's old is new again

 Throughout the many years I've been writing here, my ongoing struggle with mood has never abated. A large number of articles have been published explaining that we're all overwhelmed and suffering anxiety. I always felt that way, but yeah, it's worse.

At some point every day, I'm stopped by all-consuming feelings of sadness, anxiety, and loneliness. This isn't depression--depression is something I'm hard wired to recognize before it even manifests identifiable symptoms. This is something different. It's an enveloping weight of despair, unhappiness, and deep sadness that I can't really articulate in a way anyone else would understand.

I've never had great luck with therapy. On some level, I feel like therapy is a scam. You do all of the work while paying someone else to sit there asking questions you've likely already asked and answered in your head. Maybe I've just had bad therapists. The last one was bad but in that case, I didn't need her to do much more than sit and listen because I had absolutely no one else to talk to about what I was going through at the time. I knew I was intelligent and insightful enough to work it all out in my head as long as I could hear the thoughts that were colliding in my brain by giving them some space and attention.

At my age, I figure I have like 20 years left to live. I'd prefer to live them not feeling like crap emotionally and physically, but that doesn't look like that's how it's going to go. That certainly doesn't induce any optimism for emerging from the mental and emotional quagmire I find myself currently situated in.

There are many points along the way in this blog where I've talked about one's right--my right--to stop being alive. Although I've always found a way to keep going when I surely felt like doing anything but that, not a single day has come and gone where I didn't remind myself that I have another option and I don't have to stay if I don't want to. I always thought that these ideas would fade and drift away during the healthier times, but that hasn't been the case at all. If anything, each day, week, month, year of my life just pushes that conversation forward and makes it louder, demanding more attention as I become less adept at focusing on just getting through to the end.

So, what is the purpose of therapy in my case? What I've written here are thoughts I would like to analyze and dissect, but there are some things you can't even bring into therapy unless you want to be dropped as a patient or effectively incarcerated.

My loneliness isn't a result of not having people in my life. It's the result of the people in my life either not recognizing or not being interested in the profound sadness that is killing me.

Reinvention but not really

This year, I turned 60. I knew it was coming, but for some reason it hit me hard. I'm old. I'm a senior citizen. That's not how I feel; this is what my culture tells me.

A lot of things have happened in my life in the last few years. Some were surprising. If you had told me that I would become friends with an author whose work I admire and who is the ex-wife of my state's former governor, I would have said your were hallucinating. That happened, though, and it's among other surprising things including doing my second and then third public radio interviews, being part of the TED organization's $10,000 Mystery Experiment, having surgery for something incredibly odd, and then being diagnosed with a complex auto-immune disease.

Life is a journey, but it's also a carnival house of mirrors that disorients and confounds without notice. I'm not sure what to make of it all. Keep evolving--it's a trip.

May. Fascinating.

 

The origins of May. From the dictionary: https://www.dictionary.com/e/may/

The dread

 I'm 12 hours away from going to see my mother. Everything is wrong in her house and she's not willing to even try to do anything for herself. She would much rather sit surrounded by walls of resentment and fume at the world for the indignities of old age she's experiencing. 

She doesn't know I'm coming. That's going to be sprung on her at the last minute. I'm not staying at her house. Instead, I booked an Airbnb for two weeks where I can have my own space, some quiet at the end of the day, and complete control of the television. Also, I am way too fucking old to sleep on a futon.

I'm dreading this trip. There's a knot in my stomach. We need to have some hard conversations that my brothers, being too chickenshit to talk to her themselves, have pushed me forward to navigate. That's grossly unfair, but typical of adult siblings with an elderly parent. The sons walk on water, the daughters wipe up shit.

My own health is in decline. I don't have the compassion bandwidth to manage the life of a person who would rather wallow in a victim narrative than show any gratitude for living into old age and having ample help to facilitate day-to-day comfort.

2020 has been bad

 I have surgery tomorrow. It's going to suck. A lot. Six-inch incision, three layers of stitches 4-8 weeks of recovery and a lot of pain. Ugh.

My persistent philosphical argument

Part of working from home during a pandemic means watching a lot of television. Today I happened upon Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 5, Episode 22, "Painless." The whole story centers around the question of whether or not death by suicide is a fundamental human right. I still say it is.

The never-ending Florida

I'm still in Florida. It has been 56 days. I don't know when I'll be home. I'm starting to know my way around, even though I don't go out much. I know where the Goodwill next to the new tax office is and specifically, where to drop off donations. I know I prefer the Disston Plaza Publix to the Winn Dixie on 54th. I've made some friends here-- that feels surreal.

Metro Diner's breakfast is pretty great, even when delivered a little late via DoorDash. The Home Depot on 22nd Ave. is always too busy, even at 6:30 in the morning during a pandemic. Haines Rd. always seems to confuse me--something about running on the diagonal and halves of intersections that are blocks away from each other. Jacaranda trees in bloom are one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I went to my first open-air laundromat today--having never known they existed before this. Gas at the Wawa south of Walgreen's at 38th and 34th was only $1.71 today, and I can't wrap my brain around that. I got my mom out of Freedom Square just before they got slammed with COVID-19 and 17 people died (so far). When I no longer needed navigation help to get there, I knew it was time to get Mom back to her own home as rehab wasn't doing much, anyway.

The FedEx store at 4th and 52nd was extremely busy when I was there today making copies. That surprised me, just as I've been surprised every time I headed out of the house that the roads were busy, busy, busy. If you didn't know there was a pandemic going on, you certainly wouldn't figure it out from Floridians' behavior.

The people at Haines Road Animal Hospital are incredibly helpful. I like the sign near the pharmacy drive-through.

I prefer the pizza from Fortunato's to any other I've had here. If I don't get to Mazzaro's Italian Market before I leave, that will be criminal--it's just down the street.

The people at Accord Home Medical Supply are just gems. Total Wine delivers and has helped me keep my sanity. I've learned what number most of the channels I watch are on Spectrum's service.

I want to go home.