I am what I am

My professional life is all about people. I am not only involved in the lives of refugees and the community in which they live, I am entrenched. My life focuses on helping and arranging for help. I have a sympathetic ear and a sincere desire to help people hurt less.

My husband hates this. He hates it when I invite people to our house. He hates it that I have a lot of things in the house that are related to my job. He dislikes that I am required to work a fair amount of nights and weekends. He gets irritated that I often have to work on work at home. He does not answer the phone. He has no friends.

My husband said I am neglecting him and my home life. He said that my work is my life. I asked him this: "What do you want me to do? What do you want that is lacking? If I dropped it all tomorrow, got a clerical job with very structured hours, and had no obligations after 5:00 or on weekends, what would you see me doing here at home or with you that is not happening now? I don't have very many people in my life, at least, not on a personal level, but let's say I never invite another person over, I never take another phone call, and I am always 100% available to you, please tell me what you see me doing with that time here at home."

He had no answer. Eventually he said, "I just think you neglect us and you should pay as much attention to us as you do to your work and to the nonprofit." But still no mention of what "it" is I don't do that I should do.

My husband is very much like our border collie. He must have something to do almost every minute of his waking time. He is obsessed with home improvement. When I have down time and I am ready to be still and quiet, there is always a project going on in close proximity. I am frequently told we can't go here or there or do this activity or that one(Let's go away for the weekend. Let's visit so-and-so, Let's see a movie/exhibit/concert/whatever will get us out of the house...), I am shot down every time. "I have to finish the window. I want to paint the door. I'm going to fix the gate." Our house is not really a fixer. It's solid and in good condition. At this point, anything that needs to be done is strictly a choice or cosmetic. Why would I hang around for that?

I know there's a compromise in there, but I'll be damned if I know how to find it. I am not interested in doing home improvement work. I can no longer ride a bike, ski, rollerblade, hike, or even walk for exercise--not with my husband, anyway--he practically sprints. We don't go shopping since we have no money. It all belongs to the house. We watch TV together. I don't know what's left for us to do other than that. I guess I could hand him the tools or hold the light when he's improving the house. Yeah...because that's an outstanding use of my time.

He knew I was a workaholic when he met me. Why is it suddenly an issue?