When life gives us unpleasant surprises

I have heard time and again that the area where I live is a semi-arid high plain. Except for this year.

We got buried in snow around the holidays, and the snow was relentless. The term "Stir crazy" actually had meaning to me. I couldn't leave my house, and nothing was open even if I had.

Spring rolled in with cold temperatures and a lot of wind, and deluges of rain. It's actually raining now. I feel like I'm back on the East Coast. The wind is still here, too. In what is otherwise a very dry climate, it's humid. And cool. Where is the early summer weather?? My mood depends on abundant sun and pleasant days to thrive. I'm not thriving.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I had a mammogram. It was raining then, too, a blustery day with whipping winds and stinging bouts of hail. The sky was dark as twilight, and the whole atmosphere felt ominous. I should have known. There's no history of breast cancer in my family at all. My gyno had to nag me for three years to get me to make an appointment, and even then I did it begrudgingly.

This mammogram hurt like hell. I thought my breasts would never regain their shape. "Enough," I thought, "I'll do this again before I'm 50 and no sooner." Ah, not so fast. Apparently, there is something on my films that requires "further evaluation" plus ultrasound, despite the fact that the nurse told me "It's almost always nothing."

If it's probably nothing, I don't see a lot of point in going to the appointment.

Even if there's something as serious as cancer, I can't afford to treat it. Why would I treat it? I'd come out the other side bankrupt, unemployed, homeless, and weak. Ooooo. There's something to live for.

I have enough to manage with BP, work, home, and my mind. I don't need this. I don't have the energy for this.