Normal

How is it possible to have so many symptoms, to baffle doctors, and yet have all tests come up normal? If this is normal, I can't imagine what truly sick would feel like.

Many vials of blood and several specialized tests later and all we know is that the blood work came back showing no anomalies at all. None.

No more sitting on the sidelines. I plan to start running myself into the ground like I used to with work and the nonprofit. Apparently, I never needed to scale back, after all. No harm has been done. I'm already senile and exhausted, so it's not like being rundown and stupid is going to result from manic multi-tasking. Of course, I was better at that when I was hard-core hypomanic. I miss it.

I hate life right now, and not just because it's sub-zero freezing and there's snow on the ground--again--when it's too early. I hate feeling so foolish. My doctors must think I'm a hypochondriac.

Granted, this most recent round of blood tests was normal, but it's just one of several sets of labs showing nothing out of the ordinary.

I give up. The next plan (mine) is to titrate down on all medications and go organic. If there's nothing wrong with me, then I don't see the point of taking medicine for illnesses I don't have. The big one--the one that makes me feel so, so bad about myself, well, I haven't decided about that one. Maybe it was all just a medication reaction crossed with extreme stress and a lack of coping skills. This one can't be seen on any test, either. So many naysayers claim it doesn't exist, and when I see people with extreme irrational behavior with the same diagnosis, I think, "That's nothing like me." Maybe I'm just immature.

My goal for first quarter 2010: No medication. I gotta be me. And if that doesn't work out, I will just cease to be.