It's like Santa or God...

A reworking of previous posts regarding my leaning toward eschewing belief in the unseeable, unknowable.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (Type II) five years ago. I thought it was odd to suddenly be diagnosed with something of this nature at such an advanced age, although I had experienced several serious bouts of depression throughout my life.
The more I read and learn about this condition, the more convinced I am that it is just that--a condition, not an illness. I was diagnosed based entirely on my own reporting of symptoms, just as I was when I had depression.

I was raised in a family where we were told depression and bipolar disorder were not illnesses at all but manifestations of immaturity, emotional weakness, and poorly managed stress. This is why meditation, yoga, adequate sleep, and diet are recommended as helpful treatments.

Isn't most mental health knowledge really just conjecture? Nobody even knows why lithium is prescribed for bipolar disorder--is it just a placebo? Does anyone know for sure why it works? Has anyone actually seen a neurotransmitter? How are neurotransmitter levels measured? How are they tracked and observed within a bipolar or depressed person's brain? If emotional problems like depression and bipolar disorder can't be identified through any tangible means such as a blood test or imaging, then who can say that they even exist?

Isn't depression an emotion? How did it evolve into an illness? Isn't bipolar disorder an emotional issue and not a physical/medical condtition? I'm skeptical about remaining labeled with a highly stigmatized condition that has no tangible means of proving its existence.

Despite trying to live a healthy lifestyle, I have gained 60 pounds from taking medications for an illness I'm not convinced I have. I am sluggish and cognitively dulled. I plan to wean myself off of medication and I'll try to do a better job of managing my emotions and stress without pharmaceutical treatment.

Frankly, I don't see any reason to take medications for illnesses that nobody can prove I have--or that even exist. I made this decision a couple of months ago, pending the outcome of the MRI. The neurologist said that my brain looks, "really good." No bipolar on film.

How many people are sent to therapy following a bipolar diagnosis? Is it because the medications aren't what's really providing therapeutic value? I refuse to go back into therapy. My life is pretty clear to me. I can't think of anything in my mind that needs to be healed other than the humiliation of knowing I totally bought into having nonexistent illnesses. Am I sad? Yes, definitely. The thing that makes me sad so often is that I have significant cognitive difficulties. Being stupid is devastating. I cover up pretty well, but honestly, I think medications are making me worse, not better. I'm living a fraction of my life. As I've said before, I'd rather be dead at 53 having lived my life fully than make it to 73 because I sat on the sidelines sucking down pharmaceuticals that didn't even make me feel better or cure any condition I was told I had.

I'll still have to see Dr. G and Dr. B a couple more times so they can prescribe doses that titrate down appropriately. I need to talk to Dr. B about how much of my diagnosis is fact and how much came about because I was prescribed an SSRI that spun me into a hypomanic mixed state--a condition I never had before. Or since.

How many books and psychology experts are out there saying that to be healthy, de-stressed, and well-adjusted, we simply need to make up our minds to feel that way and it will be so? I tried mainstream health care; now I'll see how the opposite school of thought works for me. Benign neglect certainly can't be any less effective than anything else I've tried.

From now on, I'm only going treat illnesses that have tangible symptoms. I'm all about proof and the concrete. How do you think I became an atheist?