I hate Bank of America

Forget all that stuff about bailouts, irresponsibility, billions of bailout bucks used for bonuses for bastards. That's not relevant to my discussion of Bank of America here.

During the years when my brain was melting, I lost the ability to keep track of bills and money. It was maddening, because it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it right. Of course, at the time, I wasn't lucid enough to know that the rules were changing on a nearly monthly basis, along with the number of days in any given billing cycle, due dates, and minimum payment required.

Eventually, I worked out a system. In all cases possible, I negotiated to get all of my billing due dates changed to coincide with when I get paid. I get paid once a month, so budgeting is the only key to me not getting into a situation that finds me on the losing end of an argument with a phone clerk that ends with me in custody in an ER.

I am meticulous.

My bank's bill pay system is set up to pay all of my bills electronically on the same day that I get paid, regardless of when they are actually due in the course of the month. Computers orchestrate a flurry of transactions between my employer, my bank, and my creditors. There's not a lot of input needed from me, except to make sure I've allocated enough money to sufficiently cover each transaction. The last business day of the month is a busy one in my financial life, even if I sleep through it.

Today I got a letter from Bank of America saying that I was delinquent in paying on my account. This was puzzling, given the safeguards I have in place. I haven't used the card in at least 18 months--probably longer--so I know how much I need to pay each month and when it's due. The actual card was destroyed in 2008, so there's no chance of say, the balance going up and affecting the payment due. I pulled out my paper statements from the last three months. In each case, I had not only made the payment due, but I had paid more than double the minimum payment. I picked up the phone.

I spoke with Ryan and explained that I believed there had been a mistake. I asked him to just be quiet, listen to what I had to say, and follow along on his computer.

For each month, I read from the statement: Closing date, payment due date and minimum due, my actual pay date and the amount I paid.

Ryan told me that the problem was obvious. In February, the statement closing date was Friday, the 26th. I wasn't following. This was also the last business day of the month, therefore, the day I got paid and the day the bank paid my bills. As Ryan went on to explain, he said, "So, you see, you never did make a payment for March."

I replied, "But I did. My bank statement is clearly showing that Bank of America accepted $225 from me on February 26th."

Ryan said, "Well, that was the closing date and we count that as the last day of the billing cycle. Technically, you paid twice in February, so, ma'am, you were still obligated to make your regular payment in March."

I couldn't believe it. "Let me see if I understand what you're saying. There was a two-hour overlap between when my bank closed out the fiscal month and when you considered it the end of the month, so nobody there was able to see that it was likely supposed to be the payment for the next month--I mean, given my unflaggingly consistent payment pattern? Is this because there is no actual human being involved in working with customer accounts?"

Ryan started to get condescending. "There was a human involved and you made an error. It happens sometimes."

I had to digest that for a moment. "So, what you're telling me is that by being extremely diligent in making sure that my payment is never, ever late, I was penalized because nobody at Bank of America was able to identify that, given my payment history, this was meant as the March payment?"

Ryan said that this was correct and they were not, under any circumstances, going to count it as an on-time payment, let alone as the payment for March (that missed posting as March by two hours). I didn't pay late--I paid two hours too early.

Ryan was kind of a douche bag, so I stopped being polite. When I asked how much this was costing me, he said, "Well, I understand that you made a mistake, and since you did the right thing and called us to let us know about your mistake, I can waive the $39 late fee this one time, but you need to be aware that I won't be able to do that for you again."

I was dumbfounded. I said, "But my payment WASN'T late. It was early. You're penalizing me because I paid on time? This makes no sense to me. So, what happens to the APR? Does it go up to 50 percent now?"

Ryan said that since I had sent in a payment yesterday, March 31st, I had just barely made the 60-day time frame, but since I "managed to get that payment there," my APR should be unaffected this time. I explained that I didn't pay late and that yesterday's payment was the current payment--the payment for April. Nope, nope, nope. Ryan would not change how it was applied, period.

I told Ryan, "Look. I get it. You need to be right, and in your scenario, I need to be wrong, and you aren't going to concede anything to a mere customer. Who always pays on time."

The reply was, "No, no, it's not like that. We understand that people make mistakes because they have things going on and they can't always get that payment in when it's due." Was this guy smoking crack? Was he acting out some phone clerk version of the movie Memento?

He also took that moment to remind that he had done me that favor of waiving the late fee, but it would still show on my account as a late payment.

I hung up.

I logged onto my bank's Website and transferred a second payment to post in 24 hours to Bank of America. I haven't even received a bill yet, but it has been paid, and it will be credited for the correct month so my account that was never late to begin with is now current. My car needs new tires, but as of tonight, that's not going to happen.

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