Sigh

I am so tired of being treated as if I am invisible, not worth listening to, out of sight--out of mind. Although I do believe my sister always was an evil bitch, she was, it appears, right when she declared I was a "non." As in nonexistent.

I am offended when the person I'm talking to turns and talks to someone else when I am in mid-sentence.

At least Jolie checks in dutifully and I give deep thanks for that, but I try to limit my babble and check-ins with her, as I believe that is the root of the entire issue with my life and it is driving my lack of relationships.

Hmmm. I've worn out my welcome in the world. Of course, the people who see me regularly sure do appreciate all of the work I do and the help I provide and the insights and research I contribute and they tell me how much that matters...but I as a human being do not. I am valued as a provider of services only. I wish I could articulate this better.

Nobody gives a shit about me. My own mother doesn't say anything nice about me.

My lack of relationships is not due to a lack of trying on my part. I have tried in every way I know how. I have employed every piece of Dear Abby advice on this issue. I am involved in my community, I ask politely after others, but the truth is, nobody wants me around. They simply dread the thought of being around me. I observe. I listen. I see it clearly. I am astute in this regard.

If I were to kill myself, say, during one of those periods when our office closes to save on expenses and funding, apart from Frank, I wonder how long I would lie dead somewhere before it occurred to anyone--anyone--that they hadn't heard from me in a very long time.

So, this is my new challenge. No outgoing phone calls, no email that isn't work-related, no Facebook, no initiated conversation beyond the polite hello.

I am going to try not to talk anymore. What a big fucking relief THAT's going to be to the world. Yes, I do get it.

Shut the fuck up, May, shut the fuck up May, shut the fuck up, May, shut the fuck up, May.

With any luck, I'll have a heart attack or aneurysm or something that will kill me soon. At least Frank will get the insurance money along with the quiet. I do believe it's important to contribute to the comfort of others whenever I can.

On an unrelated note, Frank has been working on our taxes. He said we should be getting a large refund, and then he started reciting the list of home-improvement projects we can tackle with that money.

I am going to go to my grave having never taken a vacation with my husband. I hate this about him. I resent it deep in my gut. Yes, sure, I could go somewhere alone. Sure. Because that's all I can do or ever will be able to do. Nobody wants to spend time with me. Not even my husband. Why have fun when you can fix something in the house?

Next week, I'm changing my withholding.