The one person who always told me she'd take me as I am, warts and all, has reneged on the promise. She has expectations and unwritten rules, she has scolded me and she's carrying a raging, eight-year-old resentment over something so mind-boggling bizarre, I'm having trouble processing it. Her new friends are bubbly and fun. I am not bubbly or fun. I am dark, introspective, fat, homely, morose, and feeling abandoned. So, I'm alone, and that's OK. That's OK. I know how to navigate this. This is my life. I've been here. I know this.
I keep thinking about my impact on the world. I try so hard to be good, do good, be kind, and never say a hurtful word to anyone. I try not to take up any space or anyone's time. Sometimes I think vile thoughts, but I keep them to myself.
I keep thinking about how being good to others is supposed to help us feel better about ourselves, to give us purpose, to ground us and make us more grateful. I have no problem being good or kind or grateful; in fact, it drives my life. Just tonight, Frank said, "If being kind and doing good paid at all, you'd be a millionaire, May." A millionaire, indeed.
Instead, I'm just a sad, pathetic, reject of a person whose brain can't manufacture whatever is required to not be sad all the time. Now my brain stops me from being funny and intelligent, and that is an insult I can't bear much longer. My brain also causes me to be in physical pain all the time, and it still sends out those rogue signals that make my coronary artery squeeze itself shut. It won't go ahead and kill me though, and I'm starting to resent it.
I am so tired. Not just emotionally, but physically. This pushing myself every day has taken a toll. It's not benefiting me in the least. The world benefits from my efforts, but I, personally, do not.
I only have $3,000 in credit card debt left to pay off, which I will do at the end of this month when I rearrange some accounts. Then, I don't know what will happen. I'll be free to take whatever path feels right. Stay, go, whatever. I'm working on my will, making sure my accounts are in order. I've started paying all of the utilities several months ahead so Frank won't have to scramble to figure that out if anything happens to me to stop me from paying the bills. If I decide to go, I'll send Jolie money for the theater ticket she bought on my behalf. I know she'll appreciate that a lot. I will owe no one anything. That's important. Really important.
I don't know how much longer I can go on being a massive fuck up. And I am a massive fuck up. There are no more redeeming qualities left in me. I'm just sad, fat, slow, and homely, an obese middle-aged person with nothing of value to anyone that can't be very easily and immediately replaced. This is clarity. This is truth.
And it's OK. It's perfectly OK. As long as I don't owe anyone anything, I'm free and clear. It will be like I was never here. I have been trying so hard to pay everyone back for anything they've paid for on my behalf, and I'm almost there. Whether it was a drink or a graduation gift, it's all being paid back. Nobody will be mad at me or feel like I cheated them. They can't because I will have paid them back! This is America where Money fixes everything. I am erasing myself as others have erased their relationships with me.
I've been taking stock. I've made a list of things I've observed from visiting people, from their Facebook posts, from conversations, from email. I've started sending them things to fill the gaps in their lives. From things as mundane as a pretty toilet brush, to cookbooks, to money, to garden tools, to car accessories, to music, to driving school tuition, to utility bill payments, to lists of babysitters, to sneakers, to bottles of supplements, to Omaha Steaks, I'm trying to make sure everyone is covered. Whether I stay or go is irrelevant. What matters is that I am debt-free, I have made people's lives easier, and nobody can say I left them with unfinished business or I owe them. All of my business will be wrapped, tidied up, tied, and so resolved that no one can be angry with me or disappointed in my decisions. I will have done something nice, and they won't be able to claim I somehow slighted them. No debt owed! Zero-sum game!
You have to admit, this is fucking brilliant on my part.
And if you haven't spoken to or seen me me in over a year, fuck off and don't even attempt, just don't even try to tell me how important I am to you. You lie. You fucking lie. You like a concept, not an actual living, breathing human. I'm calling you out on that bullshit.
I'd like to leave you tonight with a song I love that keeps playing on a loop in my head. Lyrics follow, but mostly, just listen. It's so beautiful. It's so perfect. So perfect.
I'll write more tomorrow. I'm feeling like I still have some things to say.
Departure and Farewell
(Dan Messe)
The summer folds the afternoon,
And pins a shadow to the lawn,
And sweeps across the empty room
Where I am gone.
The sunlight films my waving hands.
The final scene has just begun,
And pulling back the world expands,
And I am gone.
Hey, I am gone.
Along the way I'll say to you,
“So long, my love, so long...”
Another light now fills the sky.
The window searches for the sun.
Another chance to say goodbye,
But I am gone.
Hey, I am gone.
I'll find a way to say to you,
“So long, my love. so long, my love.”
So long...
I'm pulling back.
The world expands.
And I am gone.
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