High anxiety

My mother is going to file for bankruptcy. She isn't talking or throwing drama all around, so she must be serious. And scared. I'm not unsympathetic, but she's been living beyond her means for most of her adult life. It was bound to catch up with her sooner or later.

There's nothing I can do to help her. I don't have any money, especially since I'm racking up medical bills on an almost daily basis. I am troubled by her situation, though, and my reasons are strictly self-centered.

When my father was dying, my mother said she wanted me to be able to sign checks on her main bank account, which includes a VISA card and overdraft line of credit. She wanted to make sure someone could pay bills in case she were to fall ill herself. It seemed like a practical arrangement. When the papers arrived from the bank, there was nothing to lead me to believe the transaction was for anything other than what we had discussed. I asked if this arrangement would have any effect on my credit profile and I was assured it would not as I was just getting signing authority similar to a fiscal power of attorney.

I pulled my credit reports last night and was surprised to see that not only is my mother's account showing up on my report, it's also listed as a joint account with joint responsibility. Did I mention my mother has shopped her way to an outstanding balance of $10,000 on that VISA alone?

My mom has unplugged her phone since she can't stand the calls from the collections agents who are hounding her. I can't call, so I wrote her an email explaining that my husband and I are getting our paperwork together so we can refinance our mortgage. I need to be taken off of her account before she files for bankruptcy. There is no way I want to be held accountable for her financial mess, and I don't want her mess to affect the hard work my husband and I have put into our credit score.

The silence is deafening. This is my mother's way of not dealing with things she finds unpleasant. I'm sure I'll eventually get reamed out for being a bad daughter who is unsupportive. Having seen all of the inquiry pings to my credit information during that last 18 months, I'd say my good credit has been carrying her for a while now.

I suppose I need to call the bank myself to make this happen because upon further thought, I doubt my mom will deal with it if it benefits her not to. Although I've been telling myself it was an honest mistake, my husband pointed out something that struck me speechless. He recalled that back in October, my mother was talking about her money woes. My husband asked if she got any pension or benefits from my dad's estate. My mother became agitated and angry. She was resentful and speaking as if my father's death was a personal insult. Why? Because my father's death resulted in a financial loss of $1800 a month for my mother.

I was horrified. Suddenly, it was clear. My father was still on life support long after it was known that extending his life was not a compassionate act. I think it's possible my mother kept him alive because she needed the money. The nursing home was horrendous, but my mom insisted his care there was very good and no one could do better. Wanting our father to benefit from palliative care with compassion, my brothers and I offered to pay for hospice care many times. The suggestion made my mother fly into a rage. Of course. Putting my dad in hospice would have meant disconnecting the feeding tube. He would have died within days.

I might have to go back into therapy.