Stop saying that

This has been bothering me for awhile now, but I could never quite articulate why. I think I can finally put it into words. Ever since it first became obvious that I was sick and getting sicker, I expressed deep dismay and frustration about it.

I get absolutely despondent because I want to be normal--I want to function among people without having to watch every word coming out of my mouth, or every blip in my mood, or any potential misinterpretation of the things happening around me. I hate it when I try to think but can't latch onto one thought, or when I feel so anxious I can barely stand to be outside of my house. More than anything, I hate it when my brain just stops processing everyday information and I can't work, write, speak, or read without tremendous, not-always-successful effort. Most people do not live with these issues, nor do they have to self-monitor so closely. They do not take six expensive medications every day. This is a very real and exhausting part of my daily life.

I have tried many times to explain to the people who know me just how frustrated and sad I can get because of the things my brain does or doesn't do on a regular basis. I always think that if they could understand how the disorder feels from my internal perspective, perhaps they'll see why I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and frustration. They'll see why I say I want a new brain. They'll see that I need support and empathy.

Instead, the answer I usually get is: "There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. You do better than most people who don't even have a disorder. This doesn't affect you as much as you think it does."

And they have this insight based on...what? I suppose that part of the perception disconnect lays in the fact that I am, for lack of a better term, high functioning. I go to work, I accomplish a lot, I'm usually articulate, and I do a good job of masking my own reality. But it is still my reality. So...what? People don't believe me? I cringe every time I hear it. "There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine." Great. Have they forgotten so quickly what it was like before medication and therapy? Are they trying to make me feel my desperation and frustration are unjustified?

It doesn't make me feel better. Whenever someone says there's nothing wrong with me, I actually feel...

• they are being dismissive and insensitive;
• I have no credibility
• this is meant to avoid any further discussion of my woes
• they don't consider my disorder to be a legitimate health problem or even a problem at all

It's just so goddam condescending. I don't find this "reassurance" comforting at all and I wish everyone would stop saying it.

Perhaps I want something like this..."I'm really sorry you feel that way, May. It must be frustrating to feel those deficits. For what it's worth, you do such a good job of persevering and working past it, that really, nobody except you can even tell something's going on."

Dream on.