I will try

OK, sometimes I just have a bad day. The last two days have been bad. Sometimes I have this thing where I can't wake up no matter how desperately I try, and when I finally do, I am so deeply fatigued, I can only make it to the couch. When this happens, I get an abnormally low body temperature and my fingers and nose are icy to the touch. It hurts to use my hands, and they get so skinny from the cold, my wedding rings (which are usually snug) just fall right off. I often am visibly shaky, and my hand tremor comes back with a vengeance.

My husband does whatever he can to make me comfortable. He knows these episodes are terribly distressing to me and they color my entire outlook on life. He also can clearly see that this is not something I'm making up. It's pretty hard to fake a low body temperature or even the kind of weakness and fatigue that envelops me. On the plus side, it never lasts more than 48 hours, and then I'm fine.

When I mentioned these episodes to my doctor, he shrugged it off and told me it was stress and depression. I wanted to say, "Yo, medical dude. I know depression on a first-name basis and stress is just a normal day for me. Look it up in a reference book at least." He didn't.


But that's not what I wanted to write. I wanted to spend the last minutes of 2007 acknowledging some good things.

1. I didn't kill myself, although it definitely crossed my mind at least once a day for 365 days.
2. I learned to make really beautiful jewelry. I am a photographer, a writer, a baker, and a decorator among several other creative habits, but making jewelry was a spur-of-the-moment decision and I didn't expect to have a natural talent for it. For five months, I made at least one piece of jewelry a day.
3. I helped launch an amazing nonprofit organization that, if successful, is going to profoundly change the lives of the women involved, and their families' lives, as well. So far I've single-handedly secured a $10,000 cash grant and about $5,000 in in-kind donations. I expect to double that within the next six months, once our 501C(3) status is finalized.
4. I enrolled in Bob's Pilates study, I stuck with it, and I finished it an improved woman. The notable accomplishment, of course, is that I stuck with it.
5. I did not get fired from my job, nor did I quit. #3, above, is not my job. It's extra.
6. I paid off two credit cards.
7. I participated in an NIH-funded Bipolar study. It was brutal, but I followed through on my commitment, blood draw and all, because if it will eventually help someone else to not feel the way I've felt, then it was worth every second of the discomfort.
8. I made a new friend. This was a leap of faith because I desperately wanted to stay immune to people, but I took the leap anyway.
9. I finally chose paint for my living room and dining room. We've lived here 3 1/2 years surrounded by white walls. We even bought the paint. Maybe 2008 will actually bring together paint and walls.
10. I did not gain any weight.

I will try to include some more productive activities in my life in 2008. I will try to develop a less cynical outlook on life, although I can't make any promises. I will try to be less of a bitch. I will try to not spend so much time inside my own head. I will think about myself less and my husband more. I will try to be mindful of my tone and the words that go along with it.

I think that's the best I can do.

If anyone is reading this, I hope your New Year brings you whatever it is that soothes you, encourages you, and brings calm to your mind and contentment into your life. May you be showered with abundance in every way.