I had a terrible day. Terrible. Things kept going wrong. I can survive that, but I'm not so good at survivng the things that happen as a direct result of someone intending to make me feel bad.
Two of those in one day. Three, really.
Why do I insist on surviving? Not even I know the answer.
In all of my 500+ posts, I've never come out and said what my plan is if I decide to call it a life. Apparently, if you articulate something like that, you can go to jail. Ha! I would claim it was an artistic expression of creative writing.
My plan requires certain conditions. See, I wouldn't want to die in my house or in my car because that would be unpleasant for Frank. I wouldn't ever wreck the car because that would be a waste of a perfectly good car. I would never jump in front of a car because I couldn't possibly risk damage to someone's vehicle or safety. Why make the day miserable for someone who was innocently driving along?
I hate guns and I won't have one in my home, so that's out. I don't want to look gruesome, and my goal these days is to get out of pain, so no hanging, shooting, or cutting.
This is what I came up with. It would need to be very, very cold outside. I would deeply sedate myself to the point of overdose and then go outside and lie down on the ground. I would probably spread out a plastic tarp and lie on top of that so I wouldn't stick to the ground and it would be a lot easier to move my body after the fact.
Giving this further thought, I would probably tape a note to the door telling Frank not to come outside, but to just call the police.
The cold weather and cold ground are key to this plan. Use medication to slow the heart rate, and then utilize nature to induce hypothermia. Use a tarp, don't make a mess, be considerate.
No need to squirm. It's going to be 85 degrees tomorrow.
2 comments:
May, please just ignore me if I'm misunderstanding (I've been having difficulties that I'm trying to climb out of), but this is about the clarity at post #500? When I read it, I though you had stumbled upon something that made you want to change your whole life's philosophy or something like that, that maybe you had some new idea to try out, and then I thought that maybe it wasn't that, so I didn't know what to say or if I should say anything. I just want to say now, that if you have some alternate thing you want to try first, I'm totally with you on that. Really, I mostly want to say that I care about you and I'm so sorry you encountered people whose only purpose was to be mean. You don't deserve that.
Yes, this is entirely about the clarity post. Something lifted for me and I realized that letting go is attainable even though there are obligations I would need to get out of the way first. Knowing I am untethered would be like earning permission in a way.
If I meet my obligations, I can and will give myself permission.
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