I can enjoy

Last night I hosted a dinner party. People came. I was shocked.

There were only eight of us, but that was enough to tell stories and laugh quite a bit. The food was secondary to the company. I did a vegetable tray, but forgot to make dip. Anna picked up some onion dip on her way to the party, but Frank and I still forgot to put the celery on the tray. For the main course, I ordered an array of entrees from the Indian restaurant down the street. I forgot to make coffee after dinner, even though I bought espresso, half-and-half, and skim milk (it was going to be a coffee/tea bar kind of thing). I am a forgetful hostess and that is why I buy my dinner party meals from restaurants.

It took me days to get the house ready for company. It was never really "ready," just "ready enough." Still, the place looked cozy and cute. We are probably the only people who put up their holiday decorations on New Year's Day.

Two weeks ago, I set out to bring order to the basement of my house. The biggest chore among the many on my list is to sort all of the clothes that have ended up in piles, bags, and laundry baskets in the basement. Hundreds of pieces of clothing, all the wrong size. I'm going to iron all of it and then I'm going to give it away. Most will go to the refugees, some has already gone to Goodwill, but eventually, it will all be out of my house. Perhaps not having these reminders of the much smaller sizes I have worn in the recent past will help to stop hoping for something that is never going to be a reality for me again.

I haven't even gotten through a third of what I had scheduled out for myself by now. Ironing is boring and I had other things to do, as well. I am limited by my attention span, to a great degree, but more so by my poor physical condition. I may not be sick, but every part of my body seems to be in pain--terrible pain--most of the time. I can only iron through that for so long and then I sort of crash. It's much like running myself into the ground with productivity so not even I will believe that my issues inside m head can hold me back from anything I wish to accomplish.

Feelings are not an illness. It's my new operating philosophy.