Glee and me

Last night, I watched the Glee episode, "Home" for the second time. For the second time, it brought me to tears. Frank thought I was an emotional idiot. Sometimes, he doesn't realize what my upbringing was like.

The character Mercedes, a significantly overweight African American teen, has joined the cheerleading squad. Evil coach Sue Sylvester demands that Mercedes drop ten pounds in a week because a reporter is coming to do a story about the squad. Sue is pretty relentless in her withering insults toward everyone, but she goes out of her way to make sure Mercedes understands that she's an inferior human.

My entire life growing up, I heard my own relentless stream of insulting criticism from my sister and brothers. I have always tried to compensate for the flaws they found so embarrassing--I've never wanted anyone else to be so embarrassed by being associated with me.

Ugly, fat, weird, ugly, fat, weird, ugly, fat, weird. It's all I was ever told. They teased me. No. They tormented me. My parents never did a thing to stop any of it. They told me I needed to toughen up and stop tattling. My siblings were brutal, but my sister was sadistic in her emotional abuse.

I've been through a lot of therapy. I haven't spoken to Denice since 1991. I like to think I've moved on from the hurt and low self-esteem she pounded into my head and heart with such ferocity, but I know it still shapes how I see myself and the world.

Mercedes steps out onto the gymnasium floor. She hasn't lost any weight in a week, despite Sue's insulting harangues. She stands in front of the microphone and says,

How many of you at this school feel fat?
How many of you feel like maybe you’re not worth very much?
Or you’re ugly or you have too many pimples and not enough friends?

Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another. Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today, and that just ain’t right.

And we’ve got something to say about it.

Mercedes begins to sing...

Every day is so wonderful,
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe,
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain,
I'm so ashamed.

I am beautiful,
No matter what they say,
Words can't bring me down,
I am beautiful,
In every single way,
Yes, words can't bring me down,
So don't you bring me down today,
No matter what we do,
No matter what we do,
We're the song full of beautiful mistakes

So don't you bring me down today...

You will have to endure a 30-second commercial prior to viewing the clip.

Tears ran down my cheeks and left wet puddle-like spots on my shirt. I wanted to feel the self-worth that Mercedes was singing about, but the truth is, all of those years of harsh words being ground into my psyche had changed my mental wiring for good. I realized that the highly toxic shit my sister and brothers smeared all over my brain was indelible, and there was no way--not at this point, anyway--to ever be washed clean of the poison.

You can tell me I'm beautiful, but I am incapable of seeing what you see. Apparently, I can only see myself through my sister's lens. It's a tragedy.

"Beautiful" lyrics: Linda Perry