Because I don't see any reason not to

I predict I will take my life in 2011. Yes, I actually said that. How can it be so when my mind hasn't been calmer or sharper in years? How can it be when I'm more functional and well-adjusted than I've been in many years? How can that be when I have more clarity than I've had in a decade? It's precisely because I have that clarity.

I have shown--repeatedly--that I can help make other people's lives better, but I am incapable of improving my own circumstances. I live a paycheck-to-paycheck life that is always on the verge of financial ruin. I vowed I would NEVER discuss my sex life on this blog, but the truth is, Frank and I haven't had sex in ten years. An entire decade. Intercourse is impossible for me because of whatever defect it is that torments my pelvis. I hate, hate, hate being the giver of oral sex, and so intimacy is simply nonexistent in our marriage. AND I HATE THAT. I used to love sex, but my body would have none of it. It pushed me back at every opportunity. As for Frank, he apparently has no libido but won't ask a doctor why. Apparently, he has no desire to work out any alternative to the sex issues. I'm not worth it. He keeps me around because he needs me if he's to afford the house we share.

I also live in physical pain every day. Ahhhh, but I don't look sick--not even a little--so, that means I'm fine or I should just suck it up. In American culture, if you don't look sick, you are not sick. You are not suffering. Your pain is a non-issue for those who are not having it.

So, fifty is looming on May 5, and what will I have to show for it? A job that bores me to tears, a failed attempt at getting my nonprofit to thrive without me micromanaging it, no direction professionally or personally, and a family that couldn't care less--and I'm serious here and not exaggerating--whether I'm alive or dead.

I have one friend. Count that on one finger. Nobody can stand to be around me, to talk to me, to listen to me, to spend time with me. They do it if they must because they have social skills or professional obligation, but would never willingly choose any of that as an option.

This isn't the big thing driving my future, though. It's that my value as a human being lies only in being useful to other people. A good communist would tell you that this is enough, but, goddamn it, I want someone to stand in front of me and say, "May, I enjoy your company on its own merit, and can't imagine not having it available anymore." (insert sarcastic snort laugh here...)

The truth is, I am tired of living my life inside of my own head. If I stopped helping people tomorrow, forever, which is essentially what I have planned for 2011, and focused only on doing things for myself, I would cease to have any relevence in the world whatsoever.

This is not a new realization for me, which is why I have been working so diligently to slog through de-cluttering my home, adding structure and documentation to my work for the next person, and most important of all, paying down and paying off debt. I'm certainly not going to off myself while leaving a financial or work mess for anyone else to have to puzzle through. I may be many things, but I am not inconsiderate. Not intentionally, anyway.

So, maybe this time next year. It will take that long to get out of debt. It is predicted that my workplace will lose all funding and shut down forever then, so it will only follow that I will shut down then, too.

Welcome to the final 12 months of Brainucopia.