Monday, September 10, 2007

I used to be funny

I used to be funny, but lithium got hold of my sense of humor and ran it out of town, along with half of my best vocabulary words and puzzle-solving skills. In place of that, lithium left me more fat than I'll ever need. I'm not sure this was a fair trade.

I keep thinking it would be nice to have one day in my life where I could wake up, go through my day, and turn in at the end of the evening without once ever having had to remember that my brain is gooey and I have an illness that is not only deeply stigmatized, but scares people on principle. Ah, wouldn't that be swell. Alas, taking medication kind of negates the willfull suspension of disbelief in this case.

It's a cold, gray rainy day today--much like a late October day on the East Coast. The kind of day that prompted me to move to a sunnier, drier climate.

Would it be OK if I just ran away from home and parked my butt on a beautiful, secluded beach somewhere? I only have $22 in the bank right now, so unless I ride my bike, I'm not going anywhere. Besides, running means leaving everything behind, and it would suck if my husband got stuck with my financial obligations. Nobody should inherit that disaster. See? I can't even fantasize about my own freedom without being smacked down by responsible thoughts. Can anyone be more boring that this?

On an unrelated note, earlier today, I had to walk to the other side of the building where I work, and to get over there, you have to go outside and then back in through another door. There was a cop car parked at the curb, maybe eight feet from the door. I froze. In order to get in the building, I had to come within a few feet of the side of the cop car. I couldn't make my feet move. Finally, I just turned my head and concentrated on the brick wall of the building, went in the door and didn't look back. It took another minute for my heart to stop racing.

I need help.

No comments: