Monday, September 17, 2007

Why don't you hate yourself?

I've been thinking lately about self-love and how I don't have any. I never have loved myself, probably because I can't even find a way to like myself. My personality has a hundred dorky defects, but my body...

I hate my body and can't think of a time--even in childhood-- when I felt otherwise. Weight = horrible, body shape at any weight = horrible (I was, quite literally, born with a big ass. My mother loves to tell this story and how the obstetrician commented on it). Hair = bad. Skin = blech. Overall appearance = humiliating evidence of the cruelness of nature.

I'm lucky that there are people who like me, but I am not among them. I have a hard time finding anything likeable.

I want a biological redo, from brain to cracked heels. Then, I would like a new personality and an emotionectomy. I want to be focused, disciplined, very quiet, free of brain anomalies, and invisble in front of mirrors.

Anyway, I can't imagine how I got this way, but I'm sure it's because I'm a moron who makes all the wrong decisions. I can't imagine how it's possible to not feel this way. How do people achieve that? Why aren't most people like me? What is it about them that makes them comfortable with themselves and why don't I have whatever quality that is? I'm not alone in my dislike. I don't think there are very many people who like me. Why is that? Oh, because I'm a fat, awkward, dork. Sigh.


CharleyS said...

Gosh. Just the fact that you can write a blog and share so much of yourself is something to really like about yourself.

The truth is that most people, most sane people, do feel quite imperfect a great deal of the time.

If they didn't, the plastic surgeons, therapists, and snake oil folks would all be out of business...

May Voirrey said...

Good point. I've just been having low self-esteem days lately.