Barriers to medication compliance

If you want to see a generally "normal" mentally ill person snap, ask this question: "Are you off your meds?"

It's the stuff that sitcom jokes are made of and the kind of thing that people say when they want to be particularly insulting. It's the kind of thing, that when said, reinforces our deepest cultural attitude about those who take medication for the mind: You are strange. You do not merit credibility or respect.

The reasons why lack of medication compliance is so widespread vary, but generally fall into two categories: Money and side-effects.

Many of the medications I take align my behavior more toward the center of the normal spectrum, but it's like cropping a photograph to get to the good part--No matter how good that picture looks when you've finished, you probably had to cut out some things you didn't want to in order to get a satisfactory result. My medications work well at making me socially acceptable. They also do a great job of dulling my sense of humor, slowing my thinking, drying out my mouth, and compromising my speech. I have learned to live with it.

More potent medications cause some truly terrible side-effects, many that I, if given the choice, would not accept. I've seen people with tics and shakes and stutters, and tongue-thrusting, and gut disturbances, blurred vision, hair loss, and worse. Still, patients are expected to adjust and accept these side-effects in the interest of social propriety. That's really what the meds are about--making people like me less distasteful to everyone else. My meds do stabilize my mood, but they still ain't all that.

I am currently reminded of my early struggles to succumb to the power of medication. It's all coming back to me now. The urologist prescribed three medications for me, and all three share one side-effect. All three medications make me drowsy and slow. It's like being on large doses of benadryl all the time. It's a little hard to take gracefully right now, since the drugs haven't yet started healing anything or diminishing any pain. That's how it is with the other meds--the side-effects are instant, but it takes a really long time before any benefits become evident.

I hate this feeling. It's like I'm seeing the world from somewhere much deeper inside of my head than my eyes can account for. Everything is in slow motion. I can't think of words or names. I want to sleep. Elmiron gives me terrible headaches. I'm so damn tired.

Only three months to go.