Monday, June 9, 2008

Hasta la vista, hon

On Friday I told my therapist I am quitting therapy. I can't afford her and the New Age Mind-Body Feldenkrais Physical Therapist. I also said that I've come as far as I think I can. There's only so much insight I can stand in the course of a week, anyway.

She took it pretty well. I think she's going to miss me more than I miss her. I'm not going to miss her. For the most part, I just don't miss people once they're out of my regular life. I'm not cold, just practical.

My therapist was there as I worked through the emotional trauma of my diagnosis and then again as I tried to sort out the personal issues related to bipolar disorder. I ditched my friends, I stopped thinking in back and white, and I came to terms with the fact that I have an illness that I can never discuss outside of this blog. It seemed unfair at first, but I've made my peace with that situation after talking it through from the big, overstuffed chair in the fourth-floor office suite.

The thing about therpy is that when you pay someone to listen to you, there's an assumed lack of sincerity on the therapist's part. I may never really know if she found me as fascinating as she claimed or if she was just interested in getting a paycheck. I asked her to fill me with coping tools and concrete resources, but that wasn't her style and I walked away from each session with a need to look for what I needed in books and on the Internet. Now I find I have found all the reources I needed, my coping skills aren't skills at all but medications and a friend named Jolie. This is enough. I am finished my pay-per-speak relationship, especially now when I don't feel I should be the one doing all the work and getting billed by the hour.

Now I will really have to write a lot.

1 comment:

Spilling Ink said...

It doesn't sound like she is a good enough match for you to bear the expense of keeping her around. Maybe you are really on to something with Toni. That would be great.