Big, fat genius

Necessity is the mother of invention, or sometimes, adaptation. When faced with a conundrum, I can puzzle over that challenge indefinitely. The answer might come to me in the shower, in the car, or in the middle of a conversation--or never.

I've always tried to be resourceful. Sometimes I work at it, but other times, I just seem to know how to MacGyver my way through a lack of resources, especially when what I need doesn't exist, and so I must find a way to make do.

I love summer. Summer does not love me. I sweat very easily and I always have. Unfortunately, I was born with very sensitive skin, and trust me when I tell you that sweat and sensitive skin are a bad combination. I am the rash queen.

Gold Bond powder rocks. Cool showers are delicious. Ponytails are a necessity. Weight loss would be...helpful.

I prefer to wear skirts to work. It's just easier, especially given the amount of time I spend sitting on the floor in people's homes. Of course, having fat thighs complicates things because when I walk, my inner thighs rub together and eventually bloom into huge, swollen, fiery red, burning circles. Once this happens, it can takes days for the irritation to subside, and all the Gold Bond on the planet doesn't help.

In the winter I wear tights. In the summer, I'm already hot to begin with, so I know that wearing pants is the safest option. It's also the least attractive and usually the least comfortable, as well.

I started thinking about this last week, during a string of 100-degree days. Just sitting in my car made my thighs sweat. By the time I made the four-block walk from parking to work, the irritation was already almost unbearable. Until I broke out in prickly heat and my day really went straight to hell.

If I could just stop the rubbing. If I could just stop sweating. I could try something like Bodyglide to address the chafing. I knew cycling friends who used it, as well as runners, but what if it melted and left spots on my skirt, revealing to the world that I needed thigh lube just to walk on a hot day?

So, if not lube, then weight loss, but I can't stop the rubbing unless I drop, like, 70 pounds or more. Probably not even then because I'm not built like that. I remembered reading a story in a magazine about people who have excessively sweaty feet. Among the suggested treatments was roll-on anti-perspirant deodorant. Hmmm. If it works on feet...

One morning last week, I toweled off after my shower. I pulled out the tube of Secret clear gel stick unscented. What the hell? I applied a thin coating to the surface of each inner thigh. When it was dry, I applied a second coat. I maintained a wide-legged stance as I finished my morning routine. Everything seemed OK and comfortable, but I wouldn't really know anything until I made that long, long trek from the parking garage.

It worked. It worked with all-day protection! No mess, no irritation, no wetness, no sticky residue! Lubricates and provides wetness protection!

I have made a few small tweaks to the application process (larger), and I have never been so comfortable. Lalalala. My Secret has a secret. Hehehehe! Makes me want to twirl when I wear a skirt. I'll spare the world that particular visual.