It's midnight. Do you know where your blogger is?

I am blogging under the influence of Emsam, lithium, Lamictal, Lyrica, Ambien, Hydroxyzine, and Elmiron. My time is limited as I will soon go into semi-hypnotic sleepy state. Just before that, though, I'll be overcome with waves of nausea.Wheeee. What fun it is to take prescription drugs. I could make a small fortune selling off the things I don't use. Do people take trazadone recreationally? I have about 300 pills. They were prescribed, but I never took them. Lots and lots of Xanax, too.

It's hotter than hell here. It's also humid and that is just unheard of. This is a semi-arid climate. Ack. My scalp is sweating. Ack. That lovely skin fungus I get across the front of my neck every summer is back. My ex-primary care asshole doctor said I get it because I'm fat and if I would just lose 60 pounds, I wouldn't sweat on my neck and encourage the natural skin flora to thrive. He said losing weight would make me lose that neck roll and I wouldn't get rashes. Uhhhhh, I can't see a neck roll. Anyway, now the crud has spread, probably because my meds make me sweat. The crud is at the outer corner of my eyes and under my eyes, as well. I guess that fucking neck roll is so goddamn huge it must cover my face at night and cause the skin flora to go out of control around my eyes. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. The massive neck roll must be smothering me.

Why am I blogging at this hour? It's because I'm printing out glossy, four-color brochures for an event that starts at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. I should have help. This isn't really about the fledgling nonprofit. It's really about my actual job. I participate in events like this throughout the year. Smile and inform May, smile, smile, smile. My work in the community is the only thing standing between me and screaming at bad customer service people in stores, and more important, it's what stops me from participating in outrageous acts of road rage.

I've been trying to get a grip on my mood. I am a rapid-cycling kind of girl, and that complicates things tremendously. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm having a hell of a time with the shingles pain. I fear it will never go away. I'm not sure I can live in harmony with this particular malady.

I seem to be mostly normal, but prone to bouts of crying. Then I'm OK. then I have a dark mood for a few hours. Then I say hilariously funny things. Then I go to bed and watch the ceiling fan whirl in silence while I alternate between sweating profusely and freezing my feet off.

I went to Ross today. I didn't buy a black skirt, but I was tempted by many. Instead, in a bold mood, I bought shorts that actually fit, a T-shirt, and I forget what else. A stretchy shirt, maybe.

Yesterday, I was sitting outside of Kamila and Ali's house, (a nice couple from Iraq) waiting to go in. I had on NPR's Talk of the Nation. The psychiatrist on NPR said depression is not a disease, and people need to get over the idea that they need medication. He said in almost all cases, people just need to manage their lives better through diet, exercise, stress management, talk therapy, yoga, and deep breathing. I asked Frank what he thought that guy would say if I were to tell him that when ADs were prescribed for me five years ago, at that time, I was spending 15 or more hours per week in the gym, I was eating about 1,000 sugar-free/fat-free calories a day, and my annual physical proclaimed me to be exceptionally healthy. I must have still been doing something wrong because I became severely depressed anyway. Maybe I just wasn't breathing deeply enough.

Have I ever mentioned how psychotically livid I become when it is suggested that my depression/BP are my own fault? Excuse me while I go breathe into a paper bag.

(Thanks to my friend, Area25, for letting me borrow from my own email to tell this story. )

Meds kicking in. Teeth not brushed. Brochures sstill printing. Ink low. Not now. It's bad enough our washing machine croaked mid-way through my load of darks today. Why always on a weekend?

OK, I'm into the stage of visual disturbance now. Proofreading and editing tomorrow. Good night.