Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Do people ever come to terms with chronic illness? Is it possible to make peace with something you can, at most, keep at bay but never really control? Is it possible even if that something refuses to play by the very rules it demands of you? If I do X, then it should do Y. Isn't that how these things are supposed to go?
You give us all of these feelings, and with all these feelings comes the desire to shut 'em out. Then, then you give us all of these drugs and things so we don't feel them anymore. The drugs become our closest friends, the things we love the most. We choose drugs time and time again, but then, at some point, we have to let them go. We're all just sensitive people, after all.
--The Cleaner, #2.2
How much of me is still me at this point? How much is chemically manufactured via expensive pharmaceuticals? Certainly, I am not an addict, but it is still my choice to maintain this relationship with prescribed drugs. I am medicated, yet I'm still not sure which feelings I need to medicate, which I can manage, and which are going to kick me in the teeth regardless of my chemical adjustments.

Medication has done a lot of things for me along the way, but I stand beside the addict as I admit drugs aren't doing anything to make me happy. Or happier.

Despite the expensive tab, I remain anxious, fatigued, sleep-deprived, and always a bit sad just under the surface. Somehow, I always thought a cocktail like this would lighten my spirit instead of simply laying it bare.