Deeeeep thoughts

I am sad.
I am tired.
I am tired of being sad.
I am frustrated that I am sad and tired of being sad.

I am not even creative enough to put this into a poetic form.

I want to believe that I can overcome any emotional malfunction like bipolar disorder simply through the power of thought and mind over matter. (You just have to want it. Visualize wellness. Manage your stress. Be strong.)

I take medication, though, because I am not brave enough to find out if the power of positive thinking--wishin' real hard--actually works. My dosages have been cut drastically (by me but AMA) although not entirely. Why can't I find the courage to take this leap? Why am I so weak?

Pain. My physical pain is wearing me down. It is rubbing away all of my energy and what little optimism I have left. Why can't I meditate? Why can't I think my way out of this problem? Nothing shows up in any labs or imaging, so I assume my central nervous system is reacting to my emotional problems and nothing more. Right? If this is true, then why, oh why oh why didn't anything change when I cut back or cut out medication?

I am trying so hard. Half the world unequivocally believes that there is no need for medicine or medical treatment for the types of ills that dog me. It's all supposed to be solved if I just allow myself to believe I am well.

It's not working. Nothing has changed. What am I doing wrong? If these illnesses are nothing more than a creation of my own thoughts, then why are they still here?

I don't feel like I have unresolved emotional problems. I would know, wouldn't I?

This must be some fundamental weakness on my part, some failure, some deep flaw...and I'm too stupid to know how to fix it.