I repeat myself, yes, I know

I don't just repeat myself verbally, I keep going over the same issues with myself. That would be great if I were repeating positive things, but mostly, I feel...bad. Apart from that, though, if you were to interact with me in person lately, you'd think I was nothing less than chipper, alert, and animated. It's not really how I feel at all.

I am struggling with loneliness in a way I haven't for quite some time. It's not that I can't entertain myself or be at ease in my own company. I'm very good at that. It's more that I feel isolated and uninvited into the rest of society. Mostly, I feel ignored and invisible.

I'm not a person other people choose to spend time with. I used to think that the people I knew just thought I was too busy, but eventually it became evident that my personality is repellent, no matter how interesting I try to be, and no matter how hard I work on polishing my social skills.

I can honestly say, without any exaggeration whatsoever, that there is not one person I can think of that I could call for no reason other than simply to chat. I used to do that with Jolie, but she's so busy, and frankly, has always said that she's content in her day-to-day isolation. I don't want to talk with someone who takes my call because he or she feels obliged or that it's an act of kindness.

I have no one to talk to. Sure, I can blah-blah-blog all I want, but that is not a conversation. That is me dumping out the Brainucopia because there's no other way to process that information. Maybe someone will read it, maybe they won't. Mostly, they'll stop by to copy the pictures and then rush off. It's unlikely anyone will stop to chat.

I've been withdrawing more and more since summer. I can't take the rejection. No, not the rejection. It's the fact that I'm not seen or heard. That's an accomplishment given my size and the fact that I'm quite chatty when I'm around people. I keep reminding myself that nobody cares what I read in the Atlantic or on Jezebel, or on my Nook, or on the funny sign the homeless guy at the corner was holding, or why social conservatives make me so angry, or what I puzzle over when I don't get the joke on my New Yorker page-a-day calendar, or the interesting news story I saw on CNN, or the excellent point Jon Stewart made while causing me to spit water out my nose, or even the latest home improvement projects going on at my address.

A week ago, I stopped taking my verapamil. It prevents angina episodes. I don't care. Maybe I'll have a heart attack and die and then I can stop torturing myself by wondering why I'm such a social pariah. And why nobody hears anything I say.

Really, nobody listens, even when I provide clues and disclaimers like, "Hey, this is important," or, "Something we need to keep in mind is..." or, "Please make sure you do/don't do XYZ thing...", or after the fact, "But I explained this to you/asked you to/specifically requested/emailed/texted/etc."

Communication from me seems to go into the ether. It is not heard, retained, or found to be of any relevance or importance by anyone except for me. This leads me to conclude it's because I am not worth the effort of the listening or tuning in.

I'm frustrated. I'm getting angrier every day, but mostly, this is making me terribly sad. I don't see the point of participating in humanity if I have to do it almost entirely in isolation.

I've never felt more irrelevant in the bigger picture of the world, and I have to admit that as a result, I'm putting in less and less effort each day. I've abandoned my work-related blogs, my work overall is a phone-in performance, I don't call the girl I'm supposed to be mentoring (she doesn't call me, either, because I bore the bejeezus out of her, I'm sure), and really, I'm not going to try to be awesome if nobody gives a shit.

I've read that if you feel like you're withering away emotionally, you should volunteer, or join an exercise class, or engage in some other feel-good activity. Been there, done that. Those things fill time and certainly are more positive and productive than, say, shopping endlessly or shooting up heroin, but they do nothing at all to quell loneliness. I'm a gregarious person, but it hasn't done shit to build up my social capital.

This post didn't at all explain what I wanted it to. Let's just go back to this: May has no one to talk to, not that it matters, because no one listens to anything she says, anyway.