I have a feeling that menopause is going to suck just as much as everything that came before it for me in the past few years. I'm getting that sense quite strongly.
Over the past week, I've spent some quality time reading parts of my blog that are very connected to how I feel right now. Some things in my life have improved tremendously, while others haven't changed at all.
After reading it all and thinking about my thought processes, frankly, I'm surprised I'm not dead yet. I really thought I would have killed myself by now, and even a year ago, I didn't expect to be here still. Every day still starts with that same conversation I've been having since 2005, and this has not changed. The conversation with myself always begins the same way: "Is it today? Is this the day? Can I stop yet? No?"
I'm not sure what that means--why I'm still here. It's probably because I still have a lot of things to finish so that no one else has to sort through my clutter or pay my bills. I'm not procrastinating, though. I work on those things a little bit (sometimes more) every day.
I offer no guarantees of my survival once my affairs are in order. And really, does it matter? No, I have no evidence that it does. If menopause turns out to be really awful (as it's shaping up to be), I can't even promise I'll stay long enough to make it through the clutter and the debt.
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