May by the numbers

• 51: My age
• 61.5: Number of inches of my height
• 173: My weight
• 39.2: My body fat percentage
• 32.2: My BMI
• 39: Waist measurement in inches
• 45.5: Hip measurment in inches
• 14/16: My clothing size
• 105/75: My blood pressure
• 67: My resting heart rate
• My cholesterol is normal. 
• 1200: number of calories in a normal day for me
• 4: Number of days I usually make it to the gym
• 75: Average length in minutes of my workouts

So, I am clinically obese, fucking enormous--embarrassingly so. My body holds almost 70 pounds of fat squeezed under the skin and around my organs. After the first month of working out (which included two weeks of going to the gym almost every day for three hours a day to jump-start the process), I lost a sum total of a half-pound. I've since lost another half-pound.

Based on the metrics above, I am in the high-risk health group for my age, despite the fact that I don't smoke, I don't have high blood sugar or high cholesterol, my resting heart rate is good, and my blood pressure is just fine. I eat a low-fat, very low-cholesterol diet, and other than drinking red wine on a daily basis, I limit sugar. Doesn't matter. Nope, if you're fat, you're doomed. I keep reading it again and again.

Yesterday I spent my morning at the gym. I did an hour of cardio, a full leg and butt workout, plus a lot of situps. I was there for two-and-a-half tedious, sweaty hours of very hard work. I am no slacker at the gym. Trust me on this.

I suppose at some point, my body will respond. My pants will fit. I know I should really work on slashing that calorie count, but it's hard. I figure, the human body requires 700 calories a day just to run its systems. I burn about 400 calories per workout. That leaves me with 100 calories unaccounted for, so if I want to finish each day having burned all of the calories I took in, I either need to work out longer every day or eat even less. Neither option appeals to me, but since I hate how I look, I really need to choose one of those solutions. And if that doesn't work?

I don't know. Here's what I know: The knee I had surgery on is killing me and has been since I started working out. Everything I do makes it worse, but like they always told me in physical therapy: "Pain is weakness leaving the body." That and it's really unacceptable to cry when you're exercising. That's a problem because I cry during my workouts at least twice a week. It's usually brought on by frustration and the overall loathing I have for being in a gym (or realizing that I am consistently the fattest person there). I just don't get how people enjoy it. It's so painful and tedious. It's hard to believe that something that feels so overwhelmingly awful is actually good for you.

They tell me it is good for me, so I soldier on. No pain, no loss. I'm all about the loss.

I had hoped to hit my goal of 108 pounds in a year, but at a weight loss rate of a half-pound per month, I'm unlikely to meet my goal before 2023. Sigh.

Maybe that nice Chris Powell from Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition could come and stay with me for a few weeks and help me because although I believe I'm doing the right things, apparently, something is very off.