Oh, Suze,

It was 3:00 in the morning, and there was nothing worthwhile on TV. It was a vast stretch of infomercials across every tier of cable service.

CNN was hooked on a story about a car that didn't explode in Times Square. QVC and HSN were selling something stupid or ugly. A few channels later, Suze Orman was dishing advice about fiscal responsibility.

Her advice was foreign to me: You must have at least eight months of salary in a savings account or you will meet with certain doom in these economic times.

She ticked off a list of ways Americans fritter away their money. Starbucks! I don't go to Starbucks. Magazine subscriptions! Mine all lapsed. Debt! OK, I have a lot of debt, but I'm busy paying it down, paying it down.

Suze was strict. No vacations! No gifts! No gadgets! No Starbucks! No restaurants! No hobbies that cost money! No driving! No new anything unless you're replacing something that is unsolvable.

I made a mental list. Frank and I have cell phones, but we have a limited plan. We have a low-cost long-distance plan on our landline. We put only 6,000 miles a year on my car and half that on his.

Here's where it all goes wrong...

• We eat out three times on the weekend.
• We buy beer and wine.
• I pay for a wireless connection for my laptop in addition to the broadband line we have in the house.
• We pay for two cell phones.
• We use the dryer.
• We buy plants and flowers for our garden every summer. Annuals.
• We don't have our car insurance with the same company. It would only save us about $40 a year if we did.
• I buy beads sometimes.
• I buy a lot of medicine.
• I go to the doctor a lot.
• I buy greeting cards.
• We have cable TV service, but no premium channels
• We take good care of our dog and cats

We don't take vacations. Ever. We don't live large, buy decor things for our home, or even tires for my car. We don't use credit cards. We don't buy gifts for each other or anyone else. We don't wear clothes that require dry cleaning. We don't go anywhere or do anything. When we do spend money, it's for the house.

We are a financial disaster anyway.

Suze, don't admonish me; I just don't know how to fix it and me, too.