Not listening

There was no Kumbayah. There was no preaching. There were plenty of things I didn't want to hear, and quite a bit that went into my ears and hit such strong resistance it flew back out, rejected.

Acceptance and commitment. Stop fighting your body. Your body is trying to tell you something. You cannot disassociate from your pain forever, nor can you ignore the symptoms. It is not a mind versus body issue, it is mindbody health. When you get angry at your illness, when you keep pushing through, you deplete your resources exponentially. Toxic thinking, toxic body. You need to slow down. Learn to relax. Think. Make "don't do" lists. Try yoga. Breathe deeply. Examine what it is that causes your flares. Tune in to your body. Do less. The world will not end.

Sure. No problem. I'll also try not to think about how I'm going to pay my piles of bills.

I do not accept my illnesses. I do not accept that it is OK to use illness as an excuse for rearranging an entire life when there is no threat of death involved. I do not accept that self-love is the key to health. I do not accept that my hard work and need to achieve are in any way harmful to me.

I'm not a heroin addict, I eat a healthy, balanced, low-fat diet, my sleep sucks but that's going to be true no matter what, I barely drink alcohol, I drive carefully and use a seatbelt, I floss, and I take the stairs. My health is tended to adequately.

I do not accept my illnesses. Acceptance is resignation. I am not resigned to accepting any of it, not bipolar fucking disorder, not fucking chronic pain. Medical science needs to work with me on this one because I am not going to accommodate the problem.