Having written and then discarded a very long essay about the "have nots" and "not going to haves," it has become clear to me that I can't effectively articulate how and why I feel my life has gone off course. I can say this: The multiple neurological disasters affecting me have made me an erratic and unhappy person. I have no fight, no strength and no energy, but even if I did, I don't have enough enthusiasm to do much of anything. My last big Brain Episode scrubbed my body through with caustic neurotransmitter agents that stripped me of desire and curiosity. Even if I knew what I wanted or how to make things better, I wouldn't be able to remember it long enough to find a pen and paper to make notes.
George Bailey. George Bailey stands on the bridge surrounded by a bitter and cold night. He understands that although he has done valuable work and others are better off as a result, in the end, he hasn't been able to find his own place in the world and he never will. It’s not such a wonderful life. He looks at the icy river swirling below, and then he utters those words, finally admitting what frustration has been pushing into his consciousness for quite some time...I wish I had never been born.
Am I really supposed to celebrate the fact that I was?
Maybe we can change the focus from "Yipee! You were born," to "Glad you're not dead." Does Dairy Queen make a cake for that?
2 comments:
Um, I think you missed the point of that movie. :-) In fact, George Bailey realizes that it *was* important that he lived, that he made a big difference in many lives.
Do you need a Clarence?
I have no doubt that things I've done have helped a lot of people or that I have made a difference here and there.
Unfortunately, I can't articulate why that doesn't feel valuable to me. I wish I could.
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