It's irrelevant that I have good coping skills.
Being med compliant is critical and that's why I'm diligent about it.
I do things that force me to get out of the house and engage with the world.
I accomplish things. Big things. Hard things.
I make people laugh until they almost pee.
I work long days and help people change their lives.
It's hard to keep up with me.
And yet I am reminded...
I'm never more than one bad week or one personal catastrophe away from killing myself.
The thought of suicide is a steady shadow on my brain, that if kept bathed in light, is almost impossible to see. It's never gone, though. Never.
I never forget that. I know the thought is always sitting off to the side, waiting for the opportunity to take center stage.
I have a healthy respect for that. I need to.
10 comments:
I know.
{{{{{{{{May}}}}}}}}
I present well most of the time, too. When I can't -- I hide. Maybe I do that so no one can interfere by giving the kind of 'help' that might push me over the edge. That's just me, though. It's the exact opposite for some people.
...and I've still been coming around reading... I've just been hiding off and on. I tend to do that.
Sometimes when that shadow starts to loom, I withdraw. Sometimes I don't and nobody else is any the wiser. Sometimes I just don't write because writing forces me to take stock of very complex and uncomfortable ideas.
I learned the hard way that it's best to keep other people out when my brain starts getting cloudy. You're right--too many people don't have any grasp whatsoever of what constitutes real help and what just smacks down an already damaged soul. Nor are they interested in understanding the difference.
Unless you are wired like us, you can't possibly understand or respect that feeling. That sometimes makes us so alone.
Presenting well is such a conundrum. The curse of the intelligent, the clever. We don't let anyone know we are falling apart all over, and as a result, nobody is there to help when we fall apart all over. It's a lonely life.
Reading this post and all the comments brings a flood of thoughs and emotions to me. I am the one. The one who tries to help. And you are right unless you are wired with this illness you could never understand, I can never understand but my help comes with love and patience. My partner has said it gets tiring trying to live for everyone else when all you want to do is die. It breaks my heart and my rationalle is for her to live for everyone else until you want to live for yourself. Hmmmm... If I could do one thing in life I would find a cure to this relentless illness and set everone effected by it free. Alas i cant. Forgive the ones who try to help it is borne out of nothing but love.
photo_chiq,
You and my husband could probably speak volumes to each other. Ultimately, when I can no longer find personal value in anything or anyone, I can still take stock and say that there is one person, one very loyal person who keeps me tethered. I don't think he has any idea how bad I really feel sometimes or how much it matters to me to know he will try to pick me up when I stumble and fall. When I lose the will to live, he patiently makes sure I am fed, clothed, and safe until the feeling subsides (although it never really passes).
I told my therapist that if anything happens to my husband, all bets are off. If he goes, I'll be too scared to be left alone with myself.
Partners matter and they take on a lot. I wish my husband would find someone to talk to about his life with me. I know I am a burden.
And I don't understand what he sees in me that is worth sticking around for--or worth all the trouble. I just have to respect his decision to stay by stayng myself.
May, I dont know if he uses the computer, but if he does refer him to my blog, he can be free to discuss these things with me if he wants. As a partner it is really difficult to watch the person you love in this type of pain. But to us you are worth so much more than the effort we put in. The worst part is there is no resources out there for spouces dealing with this illness. I understand that there are bipolar people out there is some terrible relationships and those spouces shouldnt be involved in the healing process but there are those of us who genuinly want to help and understand and we are the ones ultimately left to our own devices. I started my blog for partners of people with Bipolar, so we can all share our experiences and hopefully offer eachother guidance and support.
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