Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Why won't it just stop?

The last 2 1/2 weeks have found me enduring nearly crippling pain at the base of my neck. I have to take Advil every day, sleep with a heating pad on my upper back and not tilt my head back.

I mentioned this to Toni at my PT session today. The news is not good and although I try to avoid "why me?" syndrome, this time I really have to ask. It's too much.

Maybe it's because my pelvis is slowly becoming untilted and it has shifted my spine. Maybe I wrote some intense blog post and strained something. In any case. The area is actually puffy and inflamed. I have developed the start of a small dowager's hump as a result.

Toni's assessment showed that the muscles across my shoulders and scapulae are rigid and spasming, much like those in my abdomen and pelvis. The muscle spasms feel much like shingles. My spine is frozen from T1 to T3. (T1-T3 are the top three mid-spine vertebrae, starting at the base of the neck.)

Given what a crapfest bipolar disorder is, shouldn't we be given a free pass on any other health problems? It's like the powers that be are giving me some sort of endurance test. Am I in a secret study being done by a lithium manufacturer trying to see what the limits of stress are upon a bipolar patient experiencing relative stability?

Had this happened three or four years ago, I would have killed myself. I can't imagine bearing up under this with a brain that has abandoned proper neurotransmitter behavior.

I want a new body that functions as it should. If that's not possible, then I want to come into enough money so I can stop working and just settle into a life of quiet contemplation ruminating over my apparent deterioration.

That being said, I look OK, and if I understand the thinking of the other people on this planet, if you look OK, then everything must be fine.

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