And a deep sadness came crashing down upon me. This is the problem with the fall: first the weather changes and it isn't hot anymore, and then the daylight gets all screwed up and it's dark a lot. This arrangement usually doesn't work out very well for me.
At this point, only my therapist really knows what's going on. When we talked last Friday, I told her that I do believe it's possible to die from loneliness. I don't want to be around people just for the sake of being around people. There are too many annoying ones you have to pick through until you find one that doesn't irritate the crap out of you.
I said this last night, sort of out loud into the living room. I said, "And the worst part is, I'm alone. I have no one. Nobody to talk to, nobody to spend time with, nobody to validate my worth in the world, nobody I can trust to hold on and ride out these rough waves with me. I feel invisible."
My husband cheerily chimed in from the kitchen, "You have me." Which is a point well taken, but seriously, as my mood has been crashing, my husband hasn't noticed because he's had his head stuck in the dishwasher (well, in the dishwasher but not literally stuck) for two days because he's all kinds of fascinated with the details of our newest appliance. It's hard to have a soul-to-soul talk with someone who is totally occupied by repeatedly flipping the tines up and down on the dishwasher racks. Sometimes I think there's a little Asperger's mixed into my husband's literalist brain. I love him, I do, but his ability to get completely absorbed in technical minutiae worries me sometimes. He obsesses. How can I share my inner-most, worrisome, neurotic thoughts with someone who is busy finding great entertainment in measuring the decibel level of the new dishwasher?
I need a light box for my looming SAD. I need a different life. I could really use an upgrade on the brain. There's nothing specifically wrong these days, I just feel like generic crap. As Patsy Cline said, Crazy, crazy for feelin' so lonely; Yes I'm crazy, crazy for feelin' so blue.
I'm tired, my big project isn't coming together as I'd hoped, I feel totally isolated in that way that is always so well described in classic literature or old-school psychiatry. Isolation is actually an internal issue. I find it damn near impossible to connect with people, let alone love them, so why should I expect any different outcome than the one I'm getting? Maybe it's just my brain gearing up for the Big Fall Event. This is always when May wants to "go away," if you know what I mean.
Just to be ready for any outcome, I will continue purging closets, clutter, and the basement. At the very least, I'll get something done and have a much more efficient home.
Hang on kids, it's going to be a very bumpy ride.
Fall is hard for me, too, May. Hang in there. Maybe something good will happen. We can hope.
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