Shopping: Not for the faint of heart!

I decided to try shopping. My shopping-center Mecca has a TJ Maxx, Ross, and a Tuesday Morning for good measure. It gives me chills just thinking about it. It's like they knew I'd be buying a house right down the street.

I have to tell ya, there's a whole lotta ugly out there. When did the Seventies return and for the love of God, WHY??? The faux-wrap polyester dresses were overwhelming in their ubiquitous availability. Ugly, ugly prints on almost slimy fabrics. Who wears this? I didn't like it the first time around, and I am not prepared to look like a circa 1977 secretary, thank you very much. When did disco make a comeback? OK, it didn't but the clothes are back with a vengeance. Why do all of the blouses look like maternity tops? Isn't this what I wore in the 8th grade? Make it stop, someone, please...make it stop!!!

I have a problem when I shop. If some anthropologist were to observe me, they'd have a field day. Subject approaches rack. Realizes she's in the size sixes and not the sixteens. Obviously tries to nonchalantly locate the right part of the rack. She looks through the clothes; slides hangers to the left, to the left, to the left. Ah, what is this? She has found something pretty and affordable...What is that look of disgust? Ah...It appears that some incredibly cruel person has been mixing size sixes in with the sixteens. That is mean. OK, she's looking....Subject appears to be frustrated...What's this? A calf-length black skirt. Ah-ha. Field note: When the shopping gets frustrating, our subject reverts to buying a calf-length black skirt. How many must she have by now? If only we could view her in her closet of despair...

The other option is jewelry. I must tell you, TJ Maxx has the most incredible jewelry counter on the planet. I buy a lot of jewelry. I make a lot of jewelry. I know what jewelry costs. I bought a pink leather, sterling, and fresh-water pearls cuff bracelet for $14.99, and it's Honora Pearls. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a score of major proportions. If you check the Honora Website, this bracelet currently retails for $125. Holy shit, I know how to shop! I'd be more excited had I bought this bracelet for me, but it's a gift for an affluent friend, who, I'm pretty sure, has no idea what TJ Maxx is. Giggle, giggle, victory dance...

Shopping is my sport and my curse. This is why I always end up with the things I do. Black skirts are easy and make me feel like I accomplished something; jewelry always fits.

I've consumed 700 calories today. I'm hungry. Really hungry, but...I want to buy pants. As Colonel Kurtz would say, "The horror, the horror..."