Monday, October 22, 2007

A blast from the past

I've been organizing files on my computer, with particular care being given to my journal entries. Although I may struggle with my imperfections, and although I don't feel like the poster girl for self-love, I have managed to make some progress from the frustrating, dark days of a year ago. In fact, just to put things into perspective, here is my journal entry from one year ago today, exactly.

I feel like crap, and I don't think it's a meds thing. I am functioning just fine, top form, productive as ever, dependable me. Keep that in mind as you read.

But I feel like crap. I am overwhelmed by the realities of Bipolar Disorder. The godawful expense, the reality of knowing it's never going to go away, the burden I know that I am for my husband, the fatigue of trying to never let it show, the huge feelings of failure because I'm not as good as I used to be at accomplishing things, the doctor visits, the insurance battles, the blood work, the betrayal of abandonment by almost everybody I know who knows, the side effects of meds (I'm now breaking out in itchy hives that look like bug bites. To quote my dh: What the hell is that??), the weird dreams, all of the goddamn sleep issues, the weight gain, the loneliness, the unpredictability of the moods and the meds, the humiliation of having to borrow money, maybe declare bankruptcy, and beg for medication, and all of it.

I feel like there's a lot I'm not articulating here. I don't even feel depressed, necessarily, but I am just overwhelmed, disgusted, and exhausted from trying to put on a good face and lots of effort.

I refuse to see anyone, and I mean anyone, in a social context. I can't tolerate people being close to me anymore, not that anyone seems interested in doing so. I refuse, just refuse, to tell anyone anything that isn't superficial or work-related. I can't trust anybody with anything personal. That's pretty recent but very powerful. I'm sick of being the good friend and getting nothing back when I'm most in need. People, be gone. I never thought I would see the day that I had to pay somebody to sit down and talk with me, and all the other people who had any interest were virtual.

I want to be done with my financial troubles one way or another, sell my car, quit my job, go to sleep and never deal with another thing. I know the saying that what I'm thinking is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem," but I see nothing temporary here. The struggle never stops, does it? The BP doesn't go away, does it? Does the toll lessen? The answer is no, no, and no.

At first diagnosis, I was really unstable and muddled, and I felt like I just needed to be dead. Now, I'm very clear headed, and all I see is a life of trouble for me and anyone associated with me. There's not enough good here to make this worth the struggle. I do not love myself in a way that makes it worth my while to keep on dealing with this situation. I'm a problem solver, and I detest having a problem I can't solve, let alone learn to live with in harmony.

I'm not going to do anything imminently, but the day is coming, the day is coming. I'm unsalvageable, I think. I function but I don't work. I'm not looking for sympathy at all--just a place to say what I feel so that when the day comes, I'll know that I articulately explained my motives.

I expected to feel this way when I was depressed, not when the clarity came.

1 comment:

Spilling Ink said...

Any progress from where you were a year ago is good, May. Some struggles are very difficult. My stuff isn't going to go away, either. I know that now. I DO hope, however, that I can learn to deal with it better. I really hope so.