Friday, October 5, 2007

Worry, shmurry

In the course of the hour with the therapist, she asked what I thought of my schedule. I told her I still don't sleep and it's getting on my nerves. I told her I work 12 hours a day (and yet, I blog), plus half-days on Saturday and Sunday. I'm in the process of starting a nonprofit business that I won't go into here, but it's a shitload of work.

The season is changing and that is a very dangerous thing for me--I usually tank in the fall, no matter what drugs I consume. I've been feeling lonely, partially because the friends I have live really far away and nobody seems to be checking email lately. Or, they are checking it and ignoring me.

What the therapist said was that I am balancing on the triggers of brain implosion, dancing with the very circumstances that can make me crash and burn and lose my hard-earned stability. In other words, my brain is lit up like a Christmas tree and the extension cord is getting toasty.

I don't see where I can cut back. I don't want to have a meltdown, but I don't want to be perceived as inadequate, either. What I want is a normal brain with normal wiring that remains unaffected by stress and emotional issues. I want to do what I've been doing. Not being able to work would literally kill me, which would be only almost as bad as having people go back to being disgusted with me and offended by my behavior, should I have a mixed episode. Last time around, I learned that nobody cuts me any slack when I'm sick, and they all think my type of illness is willful and able to be managed through self-discipline. If I could control it, I wouldn't have it at all. BPs are really hard to love, apparently, or maybe just not worth the effort when things go to hell in a hand basket.

The therapist said one of the best things I can do for my brain right now is to get outside and get some fresh air and sunshine everyday; however, I cannot spare the time. What's an over-achiever to do??

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